I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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