Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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