He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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