Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
