Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
