the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
