Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
