she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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