Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
