my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
