is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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