I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
