I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
