um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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