Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
