the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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