Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
