Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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