Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
