Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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