so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I checked into jail on foursquare
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
