Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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