The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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