my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
