So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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