So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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