no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
