"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
