I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
