i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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