just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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