I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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