when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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