In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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