well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
