No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
