You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
