I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
