I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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