i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
This house was built for laser tag.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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