What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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