I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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