I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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