dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
