i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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