Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
