I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
