My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
