he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
