moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
