Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
